This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
