I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
