I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
