I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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