OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
