I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
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He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
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...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.