kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.