I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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