She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
