i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
