This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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