sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
