I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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