Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
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