a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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