Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You were trust falling into bushes
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
