im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
