I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
