When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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