I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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