I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
