I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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