Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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