I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
