I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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