Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
this hospital has no fireball
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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