Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
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