I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
