She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
