when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
