Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
