toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
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i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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