I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
