no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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