I hate your face
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
