Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
