I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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