Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
