I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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