a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.