Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.