please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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