Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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