I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.