Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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