Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick