I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
