the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
