Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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