you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
