Me. At least after what I've been through.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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