Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
