i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
not ubering you a puppy
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
