So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
