PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
