Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
