blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
two words: eviction party
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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