I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
